Orange Fizz


Biggest Onions or Biggest D*ck?

Deconstructing a Big East list of the gutsiest coaches. Beware those with brains.

Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

Posted: D.A.

The BBC of sports blogs, Bleacher Report, has listed the Big East football coaches in order of “onions” and made us all question the intellect of the blogosphere while doing it.

This could be a “me” problem. Somehow, I’m looking for educated reason behind the rankings. What I’m getting is a sloppy blog list created to lazily draw some readers in the middle of the summer. Excuse me while I go back to getting my sports debates from the Deadspin reader comments.

For the record, Greg Schiano and Randy Edsall ranked 1-2. Seems more appropriate to simply list these two as the biggest d*cks in the league. But guts? The reason Rutgers’ head coach was atop the list was a recruiting visit in which Schiano used a helicopter.

“Yep the man with the biggest onions literally landed on the roof of the school. Whether he does it for transportation purposes, or because it makes an impact on recruits, this move by Schiano puts his at the top of the list.”

(Sigh.) So if Steve Kragthorpe jumped off a Duck Boat, he’d be in the Top-3? Why am I even still writing? Edsall comes in second, since he “gave Notre Dame an ultimatum” about joining the Big 10. Oy. If Edsall was offered the Irish job, he would’ve sold his children to the Uzbekistan slave trade this afternoon to pay his buyout clause.

That renegade Butch Jones is listed third – merely because he threw the football a lot in the MAC. (I suppose this makes Mouse Davis Clint Eastwood).

The most entertaining rationale behind the rankings is Charlie Strong, Louisville’s new head coach, coming in at four. Why? Because he once was an assistant under Urban Meyer – and by simple osmosis, he must have guts. In other news, Seal has evolved into a six-foot, blonde, German supermodel since he’s married to Heidi Klum. Thanks for the insightful commentary BR.

The bumbling Dave Wannstadt is fifth. Joke. The boisterous, yet completely unproven Skip Holtz at sixth. Bigger joke. And the Orange’s leader Doug Marrone comes in seventh, just ahead of the piddling Bill Steawart.

First, Marrone waxed half of the roster before coaching his first game last summer. Dougy also waved goodbye to the most talented player on his depth chart in Mike Williams midway through the season. He handed the quarterback reigns to an ACC point guard. He has looked Orange Nation in the eyes and admitted the program failed it the past five years.

I’ll go ahead and pull a lever for Marrone being respected just a little more for his onions. Of course, by doing this I’m admitting I did a little research before casting a vote – which apparently makes me ineligible for the ballot.

The Fizz is owned, edited and operated by Damon Amendolara. D.A. is an ’01 Syracuse graduate from the Newhouse School with a degree in Broadcast Journalism.


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