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Fizz Nation

Your Mother is a Hoya

The Hoyas are insufferable because of their false sense of superiority. As for academics, get over yourselves. You’re not Duke. You’re not an Ivy.

The Big East is a deadly gauntlet (especially for DePaul, which actually has passed away as a basketball program since joining our fair conference. Somewhere Mark Aguirre weeps).

As Orange Nation, we bicker with Louisville, alley-fight with Pitt, duel with Villanova.

But only two dates on the calendar really make the skin crawl like spending a night on the futon at the Teke house.

When Calhoun-Bot 3000 brings Storrs Community College to the Dome… and tonight.

The idiocy of Husky fans is aggravating, but laughable. Students who apply to UMass use UConn as a safety school. I mean, Khalid El-Amin was accepted there while impregnating both women and meat-lover’s pizzas. Huskies are the Milwaukee’s Best Ice-swilling mouth-breathers in their dad’s ’97 Ford F-150 listening to Andrew WK.

The Hoyas are more insufferable, however, because of their false sense of superiority. As for academics, get over yourselves. You’re not Duke. You’re not an Ivy. Hell, you’re not even American University. Your claim to fame is “St. Elmo’s Fire,” and I’m not even sure any of them even went to GU.

The basketball arrogance is equally as stupefying. You guys were good like 30 years ago. Patrick Ewing ushered in the golden era of Hoyas Hoops. Guess what? He’s a freaking ten-year NBA assistant coach now. Like, he played in the NBA Finals just after the Jonas Brothers were born. He wore short shorts. He visited Ronald Reagan in the White House. Wes Johnson was born two years after Ewing graduated. I mean, give it up already.

You know who else was really good back during the Hoya Paranoia days? Houston. Yeah, that Houston. That’s a long freaking time to hold onto this delusional notion that you’re a basketball power.

Syracuse was pretty damn good back in the day as well. But we don’t trot out Billy Owens before every Seton Hall game. We’ve moved on. You know, to more recent Final Fours and championships. Like in the last twenty years. It’s like Notre Dame fans telling us how many National titles they won in the 1940s. That’s great. You were awesome before television was invented. Congratulations.

Check out this Georgetown blog.¬†“We thought it would be a good time to stop and give our readers a little bit of background on the Global Phenomenon that has become this blog. In addition, we have amassed a GLOBAL following, with loyal Hoya fans across the whole wide world logging in from every corner of the planet (special casual shout-out to our reader from Gabrone, Botswana).”

Wow, that’s weird. I’m pretty sure I live on the same globe. I’m aware of the iPhone. The smart car. Miley Cyrus. I’ve never heard of the “Casual Hoya” blog. But hell, if they’re a global phenomenon…

You know how you get hits from Botswana? You get people plucking away on their keyboards for the first time in some grass skirt, randomly punching in numbers and letters.

We could brag about our one hit from Iceland two years ago or that “reader” in Mongolia. But you know what? We don’t take ourselves that seriously. We know some sheep herder in Katmandu is not checking out Syracuse’s RPI and where Josh Selby’s gonna land. We know he probably is looking for the recipe for carbonated goat’s milk with citrus extracts to cure his club foot and Google search accidentally brought up¬†The Fizz.

Whatever. I guess we should just keep talking about Reggie Williams and David Wingate and all those wins back when Wham! was cool and just how smart everyone at Georgetown is, even though every one of them got denied from all the Ivies they applied to.

Orange Nation, get through your day by using¬†the hysterical Hoya Suxa flowchart and digging up Google images of Georgetown’s denim-inspired basketball shorts in the late-90s.

Georgetown delusion. A global phenomenon.

The Fizz is owned, edited and operated by Damon Amendolara. D.A. is an ’01 Syracuse graduate from the Newhouse School with a degree in Broadcast Journalism.


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